Is it just me!!!

I always thought listening was an art and it just needed a spark and there on you were on your own. Determined to turn a new leaf, my thoughts were fixed on listening to the teacher. Sixth grade it was and there was something to it than the primary grades - a motivation to start listening and the making of the new "me". An imaginary fist pump to say 'yes from today' and drifting into the thought of that magical spark moment which will allow me to then stop worrying about exams - its just revision and not learning afresh. The bell rang and I realised the first 45 min had just gone by, the last thing I listened to, was my name called out for the attendance and I promptly lifted my hands and then drifting into the dream 'art of listening'.

An introvert, occupying the middle benches, hiding behind the one in front and hoping the teachers would never pick me up for answering questions. It was working my way, except for the english teacher. I just did not have the courage to drift into a dream, he made me either look at him as if I am listening or underline the important sentences in my text book as he was reading. Invariably, I underlined all that he read, a complete lesson to be precise. 

Grammar days were horrible, Wren & Martin being the reference book. English classes was all about listening, reading and drawing lines when it came to the text book part. But when we got into the grammar it was all about answering. This teacher had the art of picking the most scared once, he quickly identified me hiding in the middle bench. The punishment for not answering was getting pulled up by your sideburns by a six footer when you have hardly grown above four feet. Imagining myself in that situation send some shock waves down my spine. Tenses it was and the "framing a sentence with continuous tenses" is when I got questioned the most. Managing it without being carried by my sideburns was some success in those days and also learned the art of not getting caught henceforth by him. The rest of the classes I hid, in english classes I sat upright and made sure I was seeing right into his eye as if to say "go on ask me...I know it". 

Slowly he moved on to pick up others. Well the continuous tenses did help me later on in life, especially giving my exams in collage days.  Invariably, I had half baked answers and had to fill pages and the continuous tenses came in handy to lengthen my sentence.

Well fear of embarrassment and pain actually drove me a bit in those days. 

Years passed by, the average me hide in the middle benches and pulled through the years, 10th grade it was and the board exams. For some reason math classes took precedence. some of the language classes and the PT classes were borrowed for math classes. The students hated it, but maths teacher never bothered. Every other class was math and she added on extra classes after school hours as well. But one thing that drove me to sit in those math classes was the recognition she gave me. I somehow neatly maintained an index section, the solution steps and the working section in the page, not just in one page or one long quire notebook but seven notebooks. I did make silly mistake in the boards but definitely there was not a sum on that question paper that I did not know. This was one of the occasions were I was able to beat above my threshold of being an average.

So recognition it was for exceeding that threshold in me.

The new found maths enthusiasm gave me the confidence to take up science group for my higher secondary grades and only to find that things happened too soon and I was in crossroads. I hardly knew what was happening on the academic front, the late teens also tested my innocence and reputation was on the chopping block. The same in modern terms is called depression. Performance in curriculum hit a new low and confidence which was always in the downward trend all my schooldays probably hits its lowest. I dug deep into probably the only thing I believed in myself 'the athletic me'. Never made it big in sports with my confidence always in a downward trend, but used sports to be away from crowd or lured into wrong doings. Being afloat during depression was in itself a success, I thought...

Will power it was to sum it up that kept me away from slipping onto the other side of the wall and of course found a few gems in my life during the late teens and early twenties who supported me. I will remain thankful for all my life.

Then into work, competition for sure and it was a new world. The so called team work and collaboration which the corporates brag about actually never exists. Wasn't easy but a lot of cribbing and shoulders to  lean on but fourteen years work of which 12 years in the same company...well, there had to be an element of success or may term it gradual growth. 

Probably driven by loyalty and fear of financial crisis. 

I began with the magic spark - art of listening in the beginning of this writeup, it did happen when I got married. It tool 30 years of my life to realised art of listening or the magic spark never existed, it was art of selective listening or acting like listening that actually existed. And then found there were many of my friends in my bandwagon realising many thing...some new found hobbies solo travel after marriage was a hobby, reading - some of my friends who had never taken books before...read a lot after marriage. Fitness - guys who I had seen bunking PT classes were in the fitness centres post marriage. Let us not even get into the topic of success in marriage life...believe me it is a double edged sword to discuss it here...            

Well coming back, success may or rather will be different for different people but for me it was all staggered and growth at different stages defines success. Whilst, fear of embarrassment & pain, recognition of sorts, will power and loyalty have played their part. The big question is... 

What is this work on your passion? that people are taking about.

Loads of questions lingering...Is there something called working on your passion? how do I work on my passion? will it help me fulfil my financial responsibilities? it is worth the risk? am I too mediocre to convert my passion into work?...is this all deciphered by the rest???

or is it just me!!! who is still dazed with these questions